Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.