Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

who will stop them

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.