me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You Might Also Like
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner