Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”