Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.