Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
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“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A