Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.