@mrjohndarby

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

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@UnFitz

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

@ItsAndyRyan

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

@AmishPornStar1

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

@marcia_bee

Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!

@ambamthankyamam

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

@sugarwits

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

@jwoodham

It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.

@robfee

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

@cravin4

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.