[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one
me: i see
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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
People named Thomas, your nickname isn’t “Thom” it’s Tom. “Thom” thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.