@mrjohndarby

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

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@TheToddWilliams

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

@TheTimmyToes

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

@JennyPentland

Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?

@RalphSudafed

A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”

@Mr_Kapowski

[gym]

Trainer: You here to get cut?

Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill

@seamussaid

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

@lunchbox_82

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”