me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

duck: quick!
me: i see

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[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS


Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank


God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.


A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.


ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.


I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll


People named Thomas, your nickname isn’t “Thom” it’s Tom. “Thom” thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.