me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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oh u like geography? name every lake
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.