me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.