Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

A collection of me turning into random objects.

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

Meow

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?