Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

Pikachu found the lost joint

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

Pro tip for my good boys out there

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here