me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn