Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty much! 😂👀

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

much to think about

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.