Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.

ㅤ

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.