me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
okay run it by me one more time
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater