me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
There’s only one good girl here!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
#NoRestForTheWicked
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?