me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?