Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

sigh

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what