Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

you know what ruined my childhood? children

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.