Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*