Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
u guys got any snacks onboard here
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”