me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I’m literally crying
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.