me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
You Might Also Like
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
you’re damn right i have
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
men, we mow at sunrise.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory