Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Are you ok, human???

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.