Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

Stop making fast and furious movies.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.