Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

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Morningbreath

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PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

What the hell happened here.

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today