Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
yikes
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?