Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.