Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important