me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone