Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle