me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
584.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?