Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son