Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun

And shouts “This is a stick-up!”

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.