Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

no cat here

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Grandmother clock.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

respect

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.