Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed