Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”