You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
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Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
How to wake up a Beagle
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room