Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Self-cleaning conscience
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Battery falling down a hole
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
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People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it