Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.