Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

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When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders