Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.