Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses