Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
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i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.