Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.