Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

😂😂😂😂😂😂

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.