Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”