Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza