Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.