Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

😎

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Whoops

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!