Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
oh you wanna fight?!
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff