Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I love you…
…r dog.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: