Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I think I’m having a stroke
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.