Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
You Might Also Like
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.