Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Möther may I have a snäck

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

“and how does that make you feel?”

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?