Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
me: no we only have the playstation
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!
Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me
write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead
7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*
Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.