@Skoogeth
@ShellHasDragons
Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.
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@ShellHasDragons
@Paxochka
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
@BradBroaddus
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
@HomeProbably
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
@3sunzzz
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
@imence2
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.
@davidkenny100
Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me
@meat_tornado_
write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead
@ericsshadow
7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*
Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
@GlennyRodge
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.