@Skoogeth

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

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@truegritrumble

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@iAmDelFreaky

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

@Poutymcgee

I just Googled “Living with Glaucoma” before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.

@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

@3sunzzz

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

@kashanacauley

The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.

@baronvonbike

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!