me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
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SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Still cracks me up
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The best plant holders?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.