ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
me: no we only have the playstation
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Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I just Googled “Living with Glaucoma” before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.
Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
6. Gas card
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
Emergency training complete
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!