@Skoogeth

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

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@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

@BradBroaddus

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

@HomeProbably

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

@3sunzzz

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

@davidkenny100

Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!

Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me

@meat_tornado_

write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead

@ericsshadow

7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

@GlennyRodge

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.