me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
This checks out
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
this came to me in a vision