Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.