Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?![]()
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN