Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*gets down on one knee*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I have so many questions.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.