Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.