Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
thoughts?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*