Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

Me if I was a dog

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own