Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you